Yunus is not having it today. Looks like he finally understood what our new daily routine is all about. He’s fine with the rest, but the part in which I leave him for at least 4 hours to attend lectures is not appealing to him. And he’s not having it. The interesting thing is that he’s totally fine when I’m away, and this is what made me hopeful. But when I’m back, and the second morning, he let’s his anger all over me. By whining, clinging on my legs, refusing food (all food) and then crying because he’s hungry.
And of course an extremely loud wedding held behind my house till 3 am did nothing to help Yunus (or me for that matter) get any rest, which naturally adds to the already present lovely cocktail of nervousness and irritability.
Last semester was hard yes, because he was so tiny and slept so little. This year he’s not tiny, but he’s smart. He gets it. That whiny mood makes me super nervous and unable to function properly at home. But at the same time I try to tell myself that separation anxiety is like any other anxiety, and I should try to accommodate myself to this type of behavior. I also know that while I’m with him, I should be acting reassuringly, hold him a lot and so on. I don’t mind that of course, but what about the house, study, food?
For now, I decided that it’s enough that I spend time with him. Actually, I’m writing this very post with him sleeping on my belly. Everything else will be done later (or not), when he feels better. I refuse to enter that superwoman/mom- mode in which everything should always be neat and tidy, done and organized. Well, who minds organized and tidy? Probably no one, but the thing is that if you try to achieve that with a screaming child throwing tantrums at your legs, you’ll not appreciate what you’ve accomplishes in the end. You’ll just get a migraine and end up hating life (no thanks).
Someone once asked me what is happiness. I am only sure of what it is NOT. It is not that euphoric state of being in which your head is in the clouds and you just want to jump around. Nope, not realistic. That’s in Instagram only. For me, happiness is feeling alright most of the day, even on messy days like these. Yes, the dishes aren’t done, there are toys everywhere, Yunus is irritated and so on and so forth. But still, we’ll have our moments.
At some point, eventually (I hope), he’ll smile. And that smile will make me feel alright, happy even. I’m going to feel tired when I go to attend my lecture, but I’ll also feel a sense of achievement, and that’ll make me feel alright. At some point tonight I’m going to sit down with a cup of my favorite coffee, after having put him to bed, and I’ll feel alright. Okay, yes, I’ll be seeing the catastrophe of the living room in front of me, but at least the coffee will be good, and that’s super alright!
On days like these, I decide to believe in the traditional theories of behaviorism; force a physical smile on your face, and you’ll end up feeling better!